“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
Ever since I entered my final year my anxiety about the future has just gotten worse. Today is the last day of my Christmas break and I feel so insecure about going back to school. It’s really been a tough time for me as I have a lot of responsibilities of passing my courses, fulfilling my role as a board member of a society, thinking about what’s next after undergrad and not wanting to disappoint anyone. I’ve been trying to muster up some courage to make at least a plan of what I would like to achieve this year but as soon as I put pen to paper my brain does this cute little thing where I just think of anything other than the future. I know what you’re thinking and yes I should seek help with this problem but if you actually know me then you know I’ll never do that. I’m not the person who opens up to people about my problems. I usually keep it to myself then get (as my boyfriend calls it) emotional constipation. I know it doesn’t help to keep my problems to myself but you see, I’ve been taught that this was the ideal way to deal with your problems. As I mentioned before, my parents are currently separated and I live with my father and sisters. He is highly passive, which means that he will have a problem but you would never know until he gets stressed so how he deals with his problems has been imprinted into my behaviour pattern (I guess you were right Bandura).
Hiding from my problems isn’t something new. It is a reoccurring issue that I usually solve when I feel like the pressure is on to fix it. I have a meeting tomorrow where I will have state what my plans are for this semester and you’ve probably guessed that I have none. How can someone who can’t make plans for her own future be considered a leader? I have no idea what to tell them tomorrow. I already feel like a failure and the semester hasn’t even started yet. I guess it all comes down to my low self esteem. There is this voice in my head that tells me that I’m not good enough to be great, that it’s ok to be mediocre and that any achievement that I make was just good luck, nothing to fuss over. I used to wonder why I always put myself down until I learned that maybe as a child my successes weren’t celebrated so I don’t know how to feel good about my achievements. I remember the first time my boyfriend told me he was proud of me because I passed my courses and I cried. I didn’t know how to handle someone being proud of me and I think that’s heartbreaking.
For the past couple of years, my mission has been to raise my self esteem, to be more out spoken, to make use of every opportunity, to express the way I feel, to shine and not sink into the shadows and to become the best version of myself. Obviously, this has been a working process for me and I have seen where I’ve made some improvements but I wish to achieve a lot more. I hope this blog will help me to find my way.